Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Truths you need to know before you divorce
It is heartbreaking when Christians divorce. God hates it. And I have never known two faithful Christians that decide to break up their marriage. They both may have once been faithful. Maybe there will be repentance and they will be faithful again. But someone -- or someones -- are not being faithful to Jesus for a marriage to end in divorce.
And I am not talking about two faithful Christians in a mess but trying to make it. That's life in a fallen world. Nor am I talking to the one doing all they can to save a marriage. It takes two wanting to save it. And you cannot control anyone else.
So here are three things I tell Christians who want a divorce.
Your marriage is not about you. When you were crucified with Christ in baptism you died and committed to let Christ live in you. You became a voluntary slave to Jesus and committed to follow God. So when you find the reasons you want to divorce start with the word "I"... you are missing the point of being a Jesus follower.
I need to be happy, I need to find myself, I, I, I, I,
My wife helped me figure this out in our marriage counseling as an elder and wife. I used to start conversations with Do you love him/her? But she figured out there was a more fundamental question. We now start every discussion with one question. Do you love God?
So understand your divorce is not just a rejection of your mate, it is a rejection of God.
If you will not forgive your mate, God will not forgive you. I know the pain caused by sin in a marriage. And I know the blessing of repentance and forgiveness. We used to spend a lot of time trying to get people to repent (from adultery or addictions, or temper, or whatever), and work to save their marriage. These days it seems we spend a lot of time trying to get people to forgive to save their marriage. And we do call for repentance when they do not forgive. I know how difficult forgiveness is. It takes time and effort. But if we refuse to forgive others, God will not forgive us.
That is serious business.
Divorce teaches your kids to quit on God. When you walk away from your marriage, you are teaching your children to quit. You claim to want them to be Christians but your life message is now to only be a faithful Christian until you are not happy with something. Or until you love someone else more than your mate (and more than Jesus). You are teaching that things have to be like you want them to be in this world to be faithful or content. Not gonna happen in this world. But that is the message of your life. So you best hope that your abandoned mate, or someone in their church family, are giving your kids a clearer message about Jesus. Or they will end doing exactly what you taught them to do.
Most people who have decided to divorce do not want to hear these. But Christians walking away from the light often do not want to hear truth spoken into their lives. But some do. And they listen. And they ask God's help. And they make it. Even if they don't, we must speak truth.
And by the way, as one of my readers reminded me... if you are going to expose the lies of Satan or tell the truth of God, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and go to work. Healing marriages -- or lives for that matter -- is hard, messy, and dirty. And exactly what family does.
Speak truth.
And I am not talking about two faithful Christians in a mess but trying to make it. That's life in a fallen world. Nor am I talking to the one doing all they can to save a marriage. It takes two wanting to save it. And you cannot control anyone else.
So here are three things I tell Christians who want a divorce.
Your marriage is not about you. When you were crucified with Christ in baptism you died and committed to let Christ live in you. You became a voluntary slave to Jesus and committed to follow God. So when you find the reasons you want to divorce start with the word "I"... you are missing the point of being a Jesus follower.
I need to be happy, I need to find myself, I, I, I, I,
My wife helped me figure this out in our marriage counseling as an elder and wife. I used to start conversations with Do you love him/her? But she figured out there was a more fundamental question. We now start every discussion with one question. Do you love God?
So understand your divorce is not just a rejection of your mate, it is a rejection of God.
If you will not forgive your mate, God will not forgive you. I know the pain caused by sin in a marriage. And I know the blessing of repentance and forgiveness. We used to spend a lot of time trying to get people to repent (from adultery or addictions, or temper, or whatever), and work to save their marriage. These days it seems we spend a lot of time trying to get people to forgive to save their marriage. And we do call for repentance when they do not forgive. I know how difficult forgiveness is. It takes time and effort. But if we refuse to forgive others, God will not forgive us.
That is serious business.
Divorce teaches your kids to quit on God. When you walk away from your marriage, you are teaching your children to quit. You claim to want them to be Christians but your life message is now to only be a faithful Christian until you are not happy with something. Or until you love someone else more than your mate (and more than Jesus). You are teaching that things have to be like you want them to be in this world to be faithful or content. Not gonna happen in this world. But that is the message of your life. So you best hope that your abandoned mate, or someone in their church family, are giving your kids a clearer message about Jesus. Or they will end doing exactly what you taught them to do.
Most people who have decided to divorce do not want to hear these. But Christians walking away from the light often do not want to hear truth spoken into their lives. But some do. And they listen. And they ask God's help. And they make it. Even if they don't, we must speak truth.
And by the way, as one of my readers reminded me... if you are going to expose the lies of Satan or tell the truth of God, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and go to work. Healing marriages -- or lives for that matter -- is hard, messy, and dirty. And exactly what family does.
Speak truth.
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Great post-- sometimes the reality of life is you reach a "humpty-dumpty" position in marriage.
The question to me for you is; how do you pick up on the signs of disease early enough to save the couple? Am I checking my flock constantly for problems, what am I missing? If you have a herd of cows and some are sick you immediately seperate them from the herd, and begin treatment, along with discovery of what caused the problem.
I understand the heart, and mind are more complex than cows, but there is a reason why "feed my sheep" is mentioned many times.
When all is said and done you might want to question some of the couples that were married and ask them what would have helped/changed their minds?
Can you continue to love God, and not continue your marriage?
The question to me for you is; how do you pick up on the signs of disease early enough to save the couple? Am I checking my flock constantly for problems, what am I missing? If you have a herd of cows and some are sick you immediately seperate them from the herd, and begin treatment, along with discovery of what caused the problem.
I understand the heart, and mind are more complex than cows, but there is a reason why "feed my sheep" is mentioned many times.
When all is said and done you might want to question some of the couples that were married and ask them what would have helped/changed their minds?
Can you continue to love God, and not continue your marriage?
Eloise. That is the great question. How to catch problems early enough. I think some of it is to get people to really live in community together, ask the hard questions, and learn to trust. Hard to do. I do think proactive teaching, mentoring, etc. (feed my sheep) does help. And yes, I do think you can love Jesus and not continue in your marriage. Marriage takes two committed people and you cannot control anyone else. So sometimes marriages end even when one of the mates would do anything they could to keep it together. I may even post on that one day.
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