Tuesday, March 14, 2017
No I Don't Think You Are Sorry
Over the years I have found myself in many situations where someone was using the phrase... "I am sorry." I have seen public apologies and many private ones. I have listened to parents, children, and mates say they were sorry. I have heard it expressed by people who have had their secret life discovered and those who evidently made a horrific choice and it really was the first time. I have seen repentance expressed by those caught in sin and those who were not caught but decided to confess their sin. I have seen people confess to what nobody else knew about and to what everybody else knew about.
And over and over again I have heard someone ask...
"How do I know they really mean it?"
Only God really knows the heart but I have learned over the years to recognize signs that help reveal the sincerity of repentance and confession.
So watch out for these indicators of an apology that is not quite sincere.
Use of the words "but...", "if you only knew", and "I know this doesn't justify what I did, but..."
There may be an appropriate time to identify the causes of our sin, but not in the confession. I am concerned when establishing the excuse is emphasized more than the apology.
The blame game. When the confession is couched in an explanation of how someone else made -- or influenced -- you to do something it is easy to lose sight of the fact that you still made the wrong choice. Their may be lots of factors that contribute to our bad decisions, but those are for future attention. Do not try to shift the blame.
When the apology shifts onto the faults and problems of the one being apologized to then it is easy to lose focus. Our sins are not excused because of the actions of others. They are forgiven because of the action of Jesus.
Watch out for comparison language. When they start defending their actions because they could have been so much worse, or they want to point out how others made even worse choices it cheapens the confession.
I am leery of people who do not want help. My suggestions for dealing with sin may not be the best, but to refuse any suggestions or to deny the need for help always raise red flags in my experience.
Most of these are very natural reactions to facing our sin. I try to not do these things when I am the one doing the confessing. And when working with others, I try to help them focus initially on their sin that is being confessed.
But I have lived long enough to recognize that a confession or apology is not always genuine. They can be manipulative or calculated to achieve something different than what God intended.
Genuine heartfelt confession is difficult. There are people that you may have deeply wounded. There are consequences to be faced. It is our human tendency to excuse, explain, or justify what we did.
Of course, time is the ultimate proof of true sorry and repentance. Because genuine repentance will result in changed lives. And over time it will be evident.
So recognize your sin, acknowledge it, and confess it without rationalization. Then accept God's forgiveness.
And help others to do the same.
And over and over again I have heard someone ask...
"How do I know they really mean it?"
Only God really knows the heart but I have learned over the years to recognize signs that help reveal the sincerity of repentance and confession.
So watch out for these indicators of an apology that is not quite sincere.
Use of the words "but...", "if you only knew", and "I know this doesn't justify what I did, but..."
There may be an appropriate time to identify the causes of our sin, but not in the confession. I am concerned when establishing the excuse is emphasized more than the apology.
The blame game. When the confession is couched in an explanation of how someone else made -- or influenced -- you to do something it is easy to lose sight of the fact that you still made the wrong choice. Their may be lots of factors that contribute to our bad decisions, but those are for future attention. Do not try to shift the blame.
When the apology shifts onto the faults and problems of the one being apologized to then it is easy to lose focus. Our sins are not excused because of the actions of others. They are forgiven because of the action of Jesus.
Watch out for comparison language. When they start defending their actions because they could have been so much worse, or they want to point out how others made even worse choices it cheapens the confession.
I am leery of people who do not want help. My suggestions for dealing with sin may not be the best, but to refuse any suggestions or to deny the need for help always raise red flags in my experience.
Most of these are very natural reactions to facing our sin. I try to not do these things when I am the one doing the confessing. And when working with others, I try to help them focus initially on their sin that is being confessed.
But I have lived long enough to recognize that a confession or apology is not always genuine. They can be manipulative or calculated to achieve something different than what God intended.
Genuine heartfelt confession is difficult. There are people that you may have deeply wounded. There are consequences to be faced. It is our human tendency to excuse, explain, or justify what we did.
Of course, time is the ultimate proof of true sorry and repentance. Because genuine repentance will result in changed lives. And over time it will be evident.
So recognize your sin, acknowledge it, and confess it without rationalization. Then accept God's forgiveness.
And help others to do the same.
